In the infomercial universe, horrors lurk around every corner!
The cold, hard reality of everyday life, the dark underbelly just beneath the surface of the mundane, the lurking horrors that await us at every turn of our workaday lives, are exposed by the brilliant actors in this series of infomercial GIFs.
Infomercials are a public service announcement warning us of what’s about to leap out at us from behind that closed kitchen cupboard, the nasty spill that’s going to destroy everything you’ve worked so tirelessly for your entire miserable little life, the countless hidden household dangers that threaten to embarrass, to maim, to force you to jump out a plate-glass window—on fire!
The horror of exploding tacos!
Among our favorites of these infomercial GIFs is the woman with the exploding taco. The horror! The terrorists have clearly won.
Never attempt to pour a beverage!
But wait, there’s more! A big lesson of infomercials is that you should never, ever attempt to pour a beverage without using some kind of As Seen on TV device.
God did not intend for iron to go in dryer.
If you’re this stupid, no product can help you. Everyone knows this won’t work unless the iron is still plugged in.
A word on containers and depth perception
In the infomercial universe, people are dumb and have terrible eyesight and depth perception. Witness the hands attempting to place a lid on a container overflowing with food. Will it work? Well, no—you’re going to wind up with a gigantic, soul-killing counter mess. Surely there’s a product that will come to your rescue.
Heavy metal and other Shirley Temple family revelations!
While the interwebs mourned the loss yesterday of child star and conservative political powerhouse Shirley Temple Black at age 85, a smaller but related story also made the rounds: The Dimpled One’s daughter, Lori Black, once played bass for sludge-metal titans the Melvins!
In fact, Lori Black’s scant Wikipedia page’s sole entry, aside from a two-line bio, is about her time playing with the Melvins and dating its frontman, Buzz Osborne (also known as King Buzzo).
Iconic child star Shirley Temple Black, who sang signature hits like “On the Good Ship Lollipop” and starred in movies like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, Heidi and Bright Eyes, passed away at age 85 in the San Francisco suburb of Woodside, Calif.
The adorable curly-haired Temple was a top box-office draw between 1935 and 1938, and saw a cottage industry of products featuring her likeness flood store shelves. A nonalcoholic cocktail was even named after her. The movie-going public largely lost interest in Temple after she grew out of childhood, and she retired from acting at age 21. She then pursued a successful career in conservative politics, eventually becoming a U.S. ambassador.
For the most comprehensive look back at Temple’s short-lived but meteoric career, check out the Shirley Temple Little Darling DVD Collection, featuring restored versions of 18 of her classic films, in both color and black-and-white.
Before he headed up The Office or even commentated on The Daily Show, a young Steve Carell could be seen hawking fried chicken in commercials for a regional fast-food chain. Tina Fey, barely recognizable compared to her turns on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, could be seen in a creepy abandoned building talking up the virtues of a bank. A baby-faced Aaron Paul, aka Jesse Pinkman of Breaking Bad fame, seemed to be going through withdrawal symptoms as he anticipated his next fix of Corn Pops.
Many of the superhot women selling us home appliances and cars on TV have their superhotness toned down a bit for commercial spots. BusinessInsider.com has compiled an intriguing side-by-side comparison of commercial actresses’ twin personas. Take, for example, actress Alisa Allapach, the superfriendly Best Buy saleswoman, next to a photo of her as a cleavage-bearing kitten that would not look out of place in the pages of Playboy. Business Insider scoured the ingenious blog Who Is That Hot Ad Girl? to discover the sexy alter-egos of this and many other prime-time ad vixens.